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On Blowjobs: A Disquisition

I am something of a hybrid: on the one hand, I am a flagrantly insatiable slut. On the other, a shamelessly analytical nerd. It therefore seems only natural that I should marry my mutually formidable passions for analysis and cock-sucking in a formal treatise. I venture forth in bold disregard of the endless and highly vocal skeptics and naysayers. "Caution!" they might very well advise, "Academic examination can only deplete the primal joys arising from the sacred union of dick and face-hole" To them I say: Suck it.

The following dissection is the result of extensive research on my part. I have made a strong effort to have a large and diverse sample pool, and to maintain cold, scientific distance from my subject. Though I have had great success in the former endeavor, I cannot help but continually fail in the latter, losing myself in the feel of velvety skin parting my lips. To quote Mortimer J. Adler, however, "Scientific objectivity is not the absence of initial bias. It is attained by frank confession of it."

The Teasing Blowjob

A classic, and a personal favorite. (See what I mean about lack of scientific distance?) I usually implement this form of dick-sucking at the dusk of a romantic date. Retreating to private quarters after a delicious meal, my mouth joins with my date's, the taste of wine still lingering in our mouths. After a few minutes of ardent kissing, I find my palate requires a very different taste altogether. Leading him to the bedroom, I ease off his clothes, and, gently but firmly, push him to lie down on the bed. I trail kisses from his mouth down his body, making sure to linger over each nipple in turn. When I reach his navel and the head of his stiff member, I halt abruptly, letting just the hint of moisture fall on top.

Keeping my warm breath close to his body, I turn my attention to his inner thighs, still not touching his fully erect cock. I flutter up and down his inner thighs, alternately kissing, licking, and taking the lightest, most playful nips. Reaching the crux of his groin, I once again andare legato legato, wanting to savor the moment. I let my breasts graze his inner thighs as my breath falls on his crotch, hot and heavy. Slowly, achingly, I open my mouth, stretch out my tongue, and take a big lick on the underside, from the base, up the shaft, and alighting on the head. His dick is pulsating now, and the smallest bit of precum has begun to ooze out of it. Using a hand to tenderly hold him in place, I allow the tip of my tongue to sample the precum, spreading it around the tip of his cock. Savoring the ephemeral delicacy as long as I can stand it, I lick my lips in anticipation of what's to come, glance up to give him an impish grin, and take his entire cock in one, swift movement.

The Neat Blowjob

A favorite the anal retentive—no, I'm not talking Greek—the Neat Blowjob is a scientifically engendered maverick of fluid efficiency. Utilizing only the minimum necessary saliva, this blowjob features a nearly vacuum seal grade of mouth-on-dick suction. That which is external stays external, that which is internal stays internal, and ne'er the twain shall meet. This cutting-edge pioneer in blowjob technique is no pleasure slouch, though: Its design is a physical embodiment of the sentiment that no one should have to sacrifice sensual gratification for good, old fashioned cleanliness. In fact, in the event of sudden fluid increase at the end of the blowjob, it ensures that all debris are safely and soundly accounted for in a doctor-approved pharynx-esophagus tubal system.

The Blowjob of Haste (parts 1 and 2)

A far less elegant blowjob, the Blowjob of Haste nonetheless holds a special place in my heart. It is best addressed in two parts, in this case separated by the causal categories of its fundamental nature.

         Part 1: Exhibitionism

This blowjob is most commonly found in semi-public spaces. Perhaps it's in an ally, late at night, after a sumptuous party. Perhaps it's in a private box at the opera. Perhaps it's in a well-suited bathroom at a fine restaurant. Wherever it's located, one thing is certain: We might get caught. This blowjob hasn't time for lascivious foreplay, but that's just fine with us- the location is stimulant enough. Having agreed to our scheme beforehand, I depart for our clandestine location first, making sure not to call attention to myself as I slip out of sight. I wait breathlessly for him to follow, already feeling adrenaline coursing through my veins. He arrives a couple minutes later, and we meet each other's eyes, grinning slightly at the playful hide-and-go-seek vibe of the whole thing. Wordlessly, dampening even the sound of our own labored breathing, we glance around, making sure the coast is clear, and he carefully unzips his pants. Taking him in my mouth, I suck earnestly, barely able to contain my moans of horniness. As he approaches his peak, we hear a rustle somewhere. We both freeze, listening. Is there someone there? Not hearing anything else, we continue, but with even more urgency this time- the longer we're here, the more likely we are to get caught. Luckily, this dangerous fact acts as an aphrodisiac for us both. It isn't long before he's clenching his fists in an effort to not make noise as he explodes in my mouth. Both of us shuddering, I swallow his donation, lest we leave a trace of our illicit activities. In an effort to maintain some semblance of composure, I straighten my clothes, and give him one last lustful expression before returning to the world of propriety and decorum.

         Part 2: Immeasurable Horniness

The incredible horniness that precipitates the other kind of Blowjob of Haste has itself two primary documented causes. The first is rare, but potent: primal, undeniable chemistry. Have you ever experienced a semi-tangible bodily need for someone you've only known for a couple minutes? Because I have. And it usually results in a substantial necessity to have his cock in my mouth as quickly as possible.

When that's not the cause of the horniness precipitating the Blowjob of Haste, it's buildup. Maybe we've had a flirtatious date, inching closer and closer to intimate contact. Maybe I've long been denied the pleasure of his cock in my mouth, and this our first chance to share the experience we've fantasized so much about. In any case, this blowjob is fumbling and breathless. Pants unfastened in rushed, jerky movements, too imprecise to be successful on first attempt. My greedy mouth swallows as much as possible with every single thrust. Eyes closed in ecstasy. Much moaning on both parts. A swift finish, done only with the knowledge that it won't be long before we can have each other again.

The Intrepid Blowjob

For the bold, the daring, those who simply demand more from life. Audacious pioneers of the human body all over the world flock to the Intrepid Blowjob as a beacon of multi-genital jamboree. “Why,” they ask, “should our scrotums be left by the wayside? Why should they not get every bit of love and attention afforded to our cocks?”

I, for one, very much support this sentiment. As soon as I know he’s fond of his balls, I cannot bare to leave them alone. Whether by hand or by mouth, his nuts shall be pleasured. The content of that, however, depends entirely on his reactions. Maybe he likes light licks and kisses, just grazing his sensitive skin. Perhaps he prefers a gentle massage, one testicle at a time. Maybe he enjoys having each ball in turn gradually sucked into my mouth and lightly worked over with my tongue. Whatever he prefers, it’s my pleasure—I’m just happy to find another intrepid fornicator.

That Which Is Too Passive to Be Considered a Blowjob

TWITPTBCABJ is for those who love to have all the control when receiving head. Otherwise known as facefucking, this athletic enterprise is to thank for my somewhat disturbing lack of gag reflex. My hands tied behind my back so I have no way to support myself, his hand grabs my hair roughly at the roots. Every lick, suck and thrust is completely in his power, and I am grateful for the small gasps of air I'm allowed when he pulls out enough for me to take them. He directs my mouth as he sees fit, with little regard for my whimpers, and takes full advantage of the dip in the roof of my mouth where my hard and soft palates meet. I have no idea how long he uses my mouth, and it hardly matters: my time and my mouth are his.

This researcher knows she’s only begun to scratch the surface of the wonderful world of blowjobs. I turn to you, my readers, to help me in my quest: What kinds of blowjobs am I missing? How can I properly delineate them? I invite you to instruct me: Come show me in person.

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